My mood tends to trend downwards now as part of my new PMS package. And what sucks is that it doesn’t go back up unless something that really makes me happy happens. Like when my favourite Johnny’s Jr group, SixTONES, released their first ever music video, making history in their agency. (For the record, even though it’s not perfect, Japonica Style is beautiful.)

But generally speaking, my mood isn’t very good now. I’m always thinking of how dissatisfied with the way I’m handling my situation.

A small thought, or some other seemingly insignificant trigger can set me off. I’ll feel so lonely and isolated I feel like I’m my insides are being crushed, or more recently, like I’m suffocating. Sometimes, I’ll shake a bit too, and my thoughts end up somewhere odd. I’ve never really felt homesick for any reason before I turned 21, but it’s happening more now even though I moved out for university when I was 18.

Another thing I don’t view positively is my tendancy to invalidate my problems before I’ve had a chance to communicate them to anyone who might be able to help me in any capacity. This makes it even harder for me to seek help, and I don’t even like to ask for help reaching for something on the top shelf.

I know I’m probably focusing too much on the negatives in my life, but it’s hard not to when I feel neglected by the person who I want to pay just the slightest more attention to me. I think my subtle cries for help aren’t cutting it anymore.

Vee

(For the record this was written on November 10, 2018)