I know it’s too early to give up on life in my early 20s, but when it feels like I’m getting nowhere, I just want out.
I’ve never dated, had a real crush, or heard of anyone who had one on me. I don’t think I’m unattractive, and I dress like pretty much everyone else my age. But I feel like I’ll never get a boyfriend (not that I’m even sure I want one). And because of all this, I feel like I’m being left behind in the whole growing up and adulting business.
I’ve never had a job either. I was told to focus on school up until the end of high school, and by the time I got to university, that’s all I was used to. I have gotten a couple interviews for the dozen or so applications I’ve sent out, but I never hear anything back (not that I ever expect to). Now that there’s a pandemic, I’m also much less keen to head out to look for a job, especially given that I live with my 90 year old grandmother.
Forgive me if I feel like no one wants or will ever want me. Isn’t all this proof enough?
So yeah. Add to all that the fact that I’ve moved back home, and I feel more like a kid than ever. It’s hard to not feel like I want to give up. If I could, I’d like to sleep forever, since it wouldn’t make much of a difference anyways and I can’t hurt everyone who cares for me by just ending it all. I know what it feels like to be on that end of things, so all I want is to stay asleep and never wake up again. Okay, maybe I’ll wake up when things seem less bleak.