August 8-9, 2019

August 27, 2019

For the past 48 hours, I have been in a state of shock. First, it was the announcement of SixTONES debut, although I had a feeling it would turn out this way. What I didn’t expect was their own YouTube channel and Instagram. I was overjoyed, though cautiously because I don’t ever want to see it become a numbers war or new fans not being respectful. Then came the release of the English version of Japonica Style, which was a very pleasant surprise. The English lyrics are hitting quite close to home though.

And shortly after that… my dad’s phone rang. He missed the call the first time around because he was cleaning the bathroom, but he got it the second time and…

Then I heard my parents talking in hushed voices, and my dad returned to cleaning. I suspected something was wrong, so I worked up the courage to ask him why my aunt called on a weekday.

That was the first and fastest emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever been on. But it didn’t feel like it because I was just in so much shock.

I was just a few weeks away from my first camping trip in Banff with my friends. I nearly cancelled on my plans from the shock, but I went because it was something I really wanted to do and everything was ready to go. My late cousin was on my mind the entire trip, especially when I was alone with my thoughts. I even had an anxiety attack at the end of our last hike (I’m not sure what caused it, though).

January 28, 2021

It’s been over a year since my (not much younger) cousin decided to end things. Although I don’t know all the details, similar situations do cause me distress now. Last summer, there was a sudden suicide by hanging scene in a show I was watching. I felt very uneasy afterwards. Then not long after, news broke that the first actor who got me into Japanese dramas, Miura Haruma, died the same way. What was almost just as unsettling was that I had just finished rewatching Bloody Monday, which was where I first discovered Haruma. Let’s just say that summer of 2020 -like the rest of that year- was a huge mess.

I don’t know if I can ever get my thoughts straight about all this, so I’ll end it here for now.


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