I asked myself this question a lot growing up, especially as a teenager struggling to fit in at school. As an adult, I still don’t have the answer to that, and I don’t think I ever will.
But lately, I find that I care much less about who I am. Actually, I’m not thinking much about myself at all. Or other people, for that matter. I’m basically on autopilot every day, and when I’m not, I don’t have the reins either. I don’t feel much, other than slight irritation and neutral.
I also realized that I’ve been communicating less, online, verbally, or otherwise. I normally keep everyone at arm’s length and throw up protective walls around myself, but I think I’ve been subconsciously pushing people away too, as of late. Heck, sometimes I even feel like I’m pushing myself away from… me, I guess. And I feel powerless to stop myself from doing this, even though all I want is someone I can really talk to. But I feel like I’m losing my ability to use words to communicate my (missing) feelings. I would speak up about it first, but I don’t know how to explain all this, much less in Cantonese to my parents (I really hate it when they get all worried about me).
I could honestly care less about my identity now, I just want to feel normal again. Whatever normal felt like. もう考えられない。考えたくない。私は単純に「無」だ。