Seeing or hearing about other people around my age make me feel completely useless. Everyone else is out there getting jobs, master’s degrees etc, while I’m only just starting college in the fall. I know it’s not a race, but I feel like I’m falling further and further behind.
I can’t tell anyone this. No one I know irl or online. They’ll tell me I’m not useless, but I’d have to agree to disagree. I never really was good at school, and talking to people terrify me. Social interactions are just about as scary to me as dogs are.
And even though I am translating dramas, I feels like I shouldn’t. I am by no means fluent in Japanese, and I’m barely maintaining my English. Sure, I’m not not learning, but there’s just so many people out there who could do it better than I can or ever will.
I recognize that I should probably seek professional help, but I don’t know how to go about it, or if I can even afford it. I can’t tell my parents; I’d have to explain in Cantonese, and I have a hard time expressing these things in English already. I can’t exactly tell my sister either – I’m really not in the mood to hear anything religious. I can’t tell my friends. I don’t want to burden them with problems that I don’t even know how to communicate what they are. I’m not close enough with anyone to tell anyone anything, really. Which is one of my problems to begin with. Nothing I do normally when I interact with people raise any alarm bells either. I’m not exactly known for my chattiness.
All of these things are bothering me and I don’t know how to express anything, with words or otherwise. It feels like I’m about to explode but there’s nothing giving me a push. I can only let these thoughts stew in my head.
I’m going off track and rambling again.
Defeated and unfeeling,